Lately I have been in a fog. Actually, it’s more like a funk. Just a strange mixture of emotions, moments of sheer of blah-ness. I try to be upbeat, fun and at least pretend to be happy-go-lucky. Lately it’s been a struggle.
I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. Usually this keeps me on my toes, makes me want to over achieve and makes me highly competitive. Yes, I’m that person. Something is due on Tuesday? I will turn it in on Monday with extra work and everything alphabetized, categorized and in triplicate in case you are so amazed by it that you want to share with others. Want to play cards? Good, I will annihilate you. Oh, your pregnant? Congrats! Oh, there is just one baby in there?? I had two….I think you see where I am going with the amount of stress I seem to put on myself to over achieve.
But lately this intense sense of aloneness has set in. I have always been independent, not dependent on a man or feeling the need to have a man in my life in order to validate my existence. However, lately there are huge flashing signs that remind me that I am a single woman.
- I recently attended a seminar about a procedure I am contemplating. After filling out some paperwork, I looked around and realized that everyone had someone with them. Everyone. Two by two. Just like we were about to load up on the ark. But I sat alone at my table. They referred to our “support system” over and over during the presentation. The two by two’s just looked at each other and smiled, some squeezed hands. I just texted a friend and mocked all the happy people. I did make me feel a little better.
- Facebook. Can no one have a profile picture of just themselves? Or themselves and their kids? One more lovey dovey photo and I am unfriending everyone except miserable, rotten people who will make me feel better about myself.
- My goal is to always put my kiddos first. They are at an age now that they don’t care that they are my number one priority. Putting them first seems to drive them crazy. They lock themselves in their rooms and when I knock on their door, they open it with an eye roll. They don’t want my expertise help with their homework. They don’t want to chat with me about their day. I have become a moron that serves as an ATM and a chauffeur. Apparently I am not as cool as I think I am. Surely they will eventually realize I am the coolest person ever. Surely. So, now I sit around the house alone. And my phone never rings. Or dings. Or anythings.
- I love dictionary.com and the Word of the Day. It makes me feel like I am still getting an education if I learn a new word every day. I’m not sure if they have a theme of some sort weekly, but last week this is a prime example of the words that kept coming up:
- osculate \ OS-kyuh-leyt \ , verb;
1. to kiss.
2. to bring into close contact or union.
3. Geometry . (of a curve) to touch (another curve or another part of the same curve) in osculation.
4. to come into close contact or union.
5. Geometry . (of a curve) to touch another curve or another part of the same curve so as to have the same tangent and curvature at the point of contact.
- Seriously?? To kiss. To touch. To touch another part of the same curve. I almost had to take a cold shower. That’s where I am at this point in my life.
- osculate \ OS-kyuh-leyt \ , verb;
So, that is a brief rundown of the things that have jumped up and slapped me in the face lately. Luckily, I have discovered that having a pick-me-up song is helpful. Thanks to Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines, I have managed to not drive my car off a cliff. I have, however, listened to the song so much that I know all the words by heart. (Stay tuned for my break down of Blurred Lines lyrics. I have some interesting insight. And as an FYI – the man is beautiful.) Here’s to hoping the fog lifts and everything is back to rainbows and sunshine soon. As long as I can openly mock myself, I feel I shall survive. Oh, I will survive. I’m too competitive not to.